Since my post before this was about my new job, I figured I’d keep it going and share the experience I had at work yesterday. It was a major milestone for me in my emotional development and although the average person would not be proud of what happened, I am because I know that if I wasn’t being intentional with my presence in the moment, it wouldn’t have happened. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have even had a nightmare about this happening because it simply wasn’t possible.
I cried at work.
It wasn’t like crocodile tears either… It was an audible cry. It was an “I am so overwhelmed, there is a significant amount of negative energy being thrown at me, and this is the only thing I have the strength to do right now” type of cry.
For those of you who don’t know me personally, I am not a crier by any stretch of the imagination. I can probably count on both hands the amount of times I have allowed myself to cry over losing someone very important to me so if that tells you anything… I just don’t cry. I used to think that crying was a sign of weakness and I never ever wanted anyone to see me shed a tear, let alone just sit there and sob.
The past week, give or take a few days, has been rough to say the least. It feels like virtually every aspect of my life that I thought was completely stable is being shaken to the core. I am trying to remind myself that things must be broken down before they can be rebuilt on a better foundation, that this is a test of my strength/perseverance/faith, that this is the darkness before the dawn. It’s just a lot easier said than done.
BUT, there is something to be said about how far I have come for recognizing that I should be proud of that moment. I am proud of that moment. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be able to sit in your unpleasant feelings when it is often times so much easier to sweep them under the rug. I have had a great deal of practice suppressing my emotions throughout the years, so much so to the point that it was almost a subconscious reaction to cut off all feeling outside of happiness and anger.
I didn’t recognize myself in that break room and maybe that’s the best thing I could’ve felt this summer.